A burnt back and a crushed heart...how do you deal with those?

I mean come on, a burnt back alone is hard enough to get by with, how much more a shattered heart? Anyone who has ever been in my size 7 shoes would know that it's the most perfect time to be a mean girl...and I mean REALLY. But since I had already sealed that high school diploma and I've pretty much graduated and blossomed into a classy lady (ahem...haha), that kind of behaviour seems so inappropriate these days. So I'll leave the bad stuff to somebody else's hands (nyahaha...I kid).

On a serious note (and quite a very hard entry to write to say the least), how do I deal with a crushed heart? I could go on forever about the things that have gone wrong, what he failed to do, what I didn't do (and to be honest, they still echo in my head, when they shouldn't anymore) and the distance I had to take to try to get back... but that would just be a waste of time because remembering all these only nurses the pain and blurs the truth. But one thing I'm surely confident about, is complete Grace and comfort abounds through Christ. He can turn what may apparently seem a bad situation into something good. He can turn mourning into dancing...sorrow into joy. His Grace allows me, or anyone else for that matter, to understand even when it all seems so senseless, and to reject anger even when it is the sweetest time to entertain it.

Nowadays, I am always tempted to say that I deserve a better man who will give me the treatment I deserve, but then again, when I think about it, I don't really deserve any good thing in this world as I am merely a girl who makes mistakes time and time and again...but God has been utterly good and gracious to me that He generously gives me undeserved gifts anyway...this undeserved gift is nothing other than GRACE.

So how do I deal with a broken heart? No, I don't need a better man (right now). What I need is Grace that I can only have through Christ Jesus. The good news is, I don't have to wait in vain for it, for His grace abounds, over flows, and never fails any time of the day.

:)

I got into a taxi, almost slamming the door to make sure the rusty old thing closes. I had barely even settled myself in when manong driver asked how old I was. "Twenty five", I replied with a sprinkle of a lie just to make sure. "Mukha kang diyes y nueve"(you look nineteen), he darted without thinking, "opo, yan laging sinasabi sakin" (Yes, I always get that) and then, he started staring from the rear view mirror as I now sat uncomfortably at the back. "Lagi kang naka-smile ha,'' he continued on, "swerte naman ng mahal mo. Ilan ba boyfriend mo? Siguro madami. Naala ko lang nung nakita kita nung magsing edad pa tayo..." (You're always smiling, the one you love must be lucky. How many boyfriends do you have anyway? You must have a lot. I just remembered my youth when I saw you...). It was quite a mouthful of babble in one breath, it almost blew my head off...but I honestly didn't know if I should laugh or get mad at the driver.  I was completely not in the mood to talk but I found myself surprised as I answered: "isa lang po." (I only have one boyfriend), in my head I wanted to add "and I am the lucky one..." and then a second later, it felt like I was hit by a bulldozer on the face and realized that (oh snap!) I no longer have a boyfriend ...silly me. I wanted to take back what I had said, but it was too late so I just held my tongue and sat quietly in my own little space with his endless chatter in the background...

...But thanks anyway for that conversation manong, that made me smile (though not exactly a happy kind). What a reminder.
 

Some things come and go, some take a full halt, but some go through seasons that simply necessitate a reflective pause. The future maybe a mystery...it may take a billion blinks before that moment is seen face to face, but he who puts his trust on the Lord will wallow in the joy of confidence and assurance even in times of uncertainty.

Drought. You know the feeling when water runs dry and nothing's left but the sour remnants of pain?

I woke up to a clasp in my chest,. I grabbed my Bible and prayed, prayed and prayed...still asking when I already half know the answer. As I turned the pages, my eyes lingered directly onto these words: "DISCIPLINE: The Bible distinguishes between chastening (discipline) and punishing. The former being used only for God's people. Discipline is a sure evidence of love, and it has as a goal the development of a good character in the one being disciplined. Its focus is on training, instructing, correcting, and improving--and is often accomplished through pain, sorrow, and loss."

Job 5:17: But consider the joy of those corrected by God! Do not despise discipline of the almighty when you sin.

The Lord chose to correct me even amidst sinning. What awesome grace! Thank you Lord because You allow your love to move in all things even in methods where pain, sorrow and loss are inevitable.

When God disciplines, God simply exhibits how great his love and mercy is to you and me! Thank you Lord for discipline. Help me get through it unwearied.

Were you ever faced at a decision that everything in you tried to deny, and yet there was a greater force that whispered affirmation to it?

I have been contemplating for the past two days about what had just transpired, but with my head, body and heart aching all at the same time...it was like wrestling with an invisible monster. It has been two days since and it was quite a walk in the storm. I had morphed into a pathetic, miserable woman, but what is more miserable is the fact that I know I am better than what i have resorted to become. Getting off bed since had been a chore, but slumber had become a rare find too, especially when you wake up to lightning inside your chest once in a while. Yesterday, I went to to church on my own and found a million diamonds uncontrollably rolling down my cheeks (just imagine how embarrassing it was!). Suddenly, it felt  like every promise uttered were merely written on water. Quite frankly, I couldn't grasp the reasons...even the tad bits of it. As I stared at the screen and at the lyrics that were projected before me, my eyes couldn't help but well up. But along with the heartbreak came a revelation that may not have instantly mended the heartache, but gave the transcendental answer to my question: WHY?

And in my head these words flashed: God says, "you are Mine first before his."

That's when it all came together. For the past months, I have been building up my time, exerting my efforts and saving all my understanding for a person that I truly want to please--and it was not God. And that was where trouble started. The truth is, God is a jealous God (Exodus 34:14). He doesn't want any of us to look up to and search reformation from anyone besides Him. It is kindergarten Christian knowledge to put Him first above all things. But I had forgotten. I was too smitten with the bug that God needed to pluck me right out of it to remind me of who should come first and who should be on top. See, He knew that I needed to put Him first, I needed to build most of my time, exert most of my efforts, and save most of my understanding for Him because no one else could ever replace His unique craftsmanship that would shape me into the best I can be. Nobody else can, no matter how inspiring or motivating a person can be. God had to steal me away, the reason being, it is the only way for Him to take me within his palms and mold me into the woman that he so desires me to become...that I may come out the best--pure as refined gold, first for Him and second for the person who won/wins my heart after Him.

It is, without a doubt, the most painful decision I've ever made, but as I continue to understand that I am first God's and He is my first, the knowledge that the Lord always works for the good of those who love Him gives me peace in my heart that even though distress takes the bulk of me, I can trust the Lord--in complete understanding or utter confusion, in heavenly joy or in sudden pain, that in all things, his will is always good, pleasing, and perfect.

ALWAYS.

The Lords says, "I'm getting you back, thrusting you in fire, shaping you up, defining and refining you, and when you come out, you come out anew, ready and beautiful in My time." AMEN.

The irony: could not get up from bed all day, and yet could not get a shut eye.

Now I understand how "lightning strikes inside the chest".

...and the lost (and apparently, also very confused) girl is back to blogdrive! I've decided to put my blogspot to other use. I'm making it somewhat like a photo diary. So I guess I'm back to writing here :)

it's time for my blogdrive to retire. It's been keeping up with me for five years, and for the first time in five long years, it refuses to publish my recent posts, so now, I think it's time to bid this site au revoir. I'm packing up my words in a suitcase and moving on to a place where the majority are currently settled in. All my favorite seasoned entries are already in this site Pevoreets

Check it out :)